The other day one of my coworkers asked me, "If you could f**k anyone living or dead, who would you choose?"
After a brief pause, I answered "Well obviously living."
Now he thought that was hilarious but the truth was that I wasn't being snide, I just really thought that's what he was asking as a trick question and that he was going to follow it up with something.
That's a horrible example of course but hopefully you guys have better ones.
Your coworker is obviousIy trying to flirt with you.
Oh my god, OP's answer seemed so normal to me until I reread the thing like 8 times. F**k, I'm slow.
Nah bro, that was actually witty.
I'm not particularly witty though, so I have no good stories. Enjoy my bump.
I can be. Usually I'm nothing spectacular though. Although I can make a conversation out of any dumb sh*t. Assuming it's not something I have absolutely no interest in.
The best wit is wit you're unconscious of.
My teachers and classmates insisted that I was witty. I still don't see what they meant. I'm blunt, but that's about it.
OP, you're not witty. I'd slap you if you ever said that to me.
oscar wilde was pretty witty, you guys
or at least he fancied himself witty enough
Being from Yorkshire, I'm blessed with a fantastic wit.
Oscar Wilde is definitely the wittiest of wits. The Importance of Being Earnest is 100% wit and cunning.
I wonder if he was witty in prison though.. yikes.
Being from Yorkshire, I'm blessed with a fantastic wit.
Where abouts in yorskshire. scarborough here.
Oscar Wilde is definitely the wittiest of wits. The Importance of Being Earnest is 100% wit and cunning.
I wonder if he was witty in prison though.. yikes.
oscar wilde was probably f**king all the dudes in the place
so if that's what you mean by witty
Being from Yorkshire, I'm blessed with a fantastic wit.
No one from Yorkshire is blessed.
I over do it, become an a**hole instead of being witty.
feelsbadman.jpg
Where abouts in yorskshire. scarborough here.
sh*t bro, i'm from scarborough too
Where abouts in yorskshire. scarborough here.
Sheffield, I've been to scarborough loads! It's a bit of a sh*t hole, isn't it?
No one from Yorkshire is blessed.
We're blessed enough to not have to live with you filthy, morbid southerners.
oscar wilde was probably f**king all the dudes in the place
so if that's what you mean by witty
Yeah, hah. I was being sarcastic, this definitely wasn't a moment of wit in his life. Hard labor? Your kids reject you? No money? Die alone in Paris? Not so witty anymore ;_;
I can't remember why she said it but it went like:
Her: "It's not like I got something against gays or lesbians."
Me: "Or animals."
She thought it was hilarious, but sadly not hilarious enough to want my c**k.
Meh.....not nearly as much as Oscar Wilde, it's not really my style of humour, I wish I could do it better though.
i sometimes have my witty moments, i think. like yesterday i was smoking with three kids, and one of them remarked how lovely the cherry was at the end of the joint in between one of the other's fingers. it promptly fell off, gliding to the ground in the midst of our circle. the third observed that it had been killed. we were standing around the remains of the glorious cherry as if in mourning, hands all clasped, so i asked if anyone had any words. the girl to my right recited a few lines of some rap (i assume), a profanity-laced commentary on the futility of being gunned down. i quickly remarked that those were hardly words fit for a funeral, with a perfectly somber tone and a straight face, apparently enough to elicit giggles and hysteria from the entire party.
or at least it seemed witty enough because we were all stoned. i certainly wish i had a sharper wit, who wouldn't want to be that dude who always has something hilarious and intelligent to say, whenever he wants to say anything?
Are you witty, anonymous?
The other day one of my coworkers asked me, "If you could f**k anyone living or dead, who would you choose?"
After a brief pause, I answered "Well obviously living."
Now he thought that was hilarious but the truth was that I wasn't being snide, I just really thought that's what he was asking as a trick question and that he was going to follow it up with something.
That's a horrible example of course but hopefully you guys have better ones.
>implying that repeating a line from pearls before swine is witty
I have my moments. Today during biology we were watching some video about prenatal development and female hormone production. This Indian kid sitting next to me says "This movie is stupid, all they're doing is showing us the inside of a woman" and I said something like "Enjoy it, it's the only time you'll see the inside of a woman."
I don't have any examples as it all just lumps into one and really, being witty/clever comes to natural to me I just really don't give a f**k anymore. Say what comes to mind, what comes to mind happens to be witty/clever or what have you. People love it though.
I think the reason people hang out with me is because of my wit. I basically speak in one liners that seem to tickle everyone's fancies. Many people who meet me for the first time just come out and say, "I like you, anon. You are funny." Now the problem with this is it seems like I am the entertainment piece. Since I am all about just spitting comedy, I don't think people give me the time of day to be a real person. I know my friends are trying to set me up with my female equivalent in a group of girls who is equally as quick and quirky, I don't know if we would mix well or be overkill though...
I'm fairly witty, but it stems from being blunt.
The other day at work, I was trying to fit some glass shelves on a fixture that didn't fit, and my supervisor made some snide comment to me, and I responded with something along the lines of "well give me a few years to learn how to cut glass and then I'll get these shelves to fit. Or you could get me the right size shelves, whichever you think is faster."
Everyone else working with us burst out laughing, including the supervisor.
I say sh*t like that all the time, so does my mother, grandad, etc. Sorta runs in the family.
Instant Wit: Turn everything into a "your mom" joke.
Instant Wit: Turn everything into a "your mom" joke.
tell me that everybody didn't just try to make a mom joke out of this and failI say sh*t like that all the time, so does my mother, grandad, etc. Sorta runs in the family.
No one on anonymous is anything even remotely resembling witty.
NO-ONE. Not me, not any c**t in this thread, not any c**t on this board.
I'm fairly witty, but it stems from being blunt.
The other day at work, I was trying to fit some glass shelves on a fixture that didn't fit, and my supervisor made some snide comment to me, and I responded with something along the lines of "well give me a few years to learn how to cut glass and then I'll get these shelves to fit. Or you could get me the right size shelves, whichever you think is faster."
Everyone else working with us burst out laughing, including the supervisor.
I don't get what's funny about that.
Are you witty, anonymous?
The other day one of my coworkers asked me, "If you could f**k anyone living or dead, who would you choose?"
After a brief pause, I answered "Well obviously living."
Now he thought that was hilarious but the truth was that I wasn't being snide, I just really thought that's what he was asking as a trick question and that he was going to follow it up with something.
That's a horrible example of course but hopefully you guys have better ones.
This morning somebody called me work and began with "I have a problem, my name is John Smith"
...at which point I cut in with "Well, I don't know if I can help you with that" and hung up the phone.
I was bitching because we had to draw a skeleton for the live drawing class. It just didn't make sense.!
Someone's friend was talking about how he couldn't sleep.
I asked him why and he said because he couldn't afford too. I replied "Ah, yeah. Goddamn recession."
meh. I thought it was kinda witty. He laughed.
Nice assburgers OP.
My father raised us on banter and sh*t talking, it was his most prized skill. Now it is my greatest curse. Last night I had dinner with an ex and she was telling a story about someone and said, "and it hurt my feel-goods." I told her I didn't understand her story, she asked why, and I said, "I don't see how any of that related to your tits." tits=feel good in this case.
My sister and her boyfriend were watching a sh*tty DVD rip of the Mothman prophecies with loads of compression.
(She's an archaeologist, by the way. Yes, this is important.)
So I went up to her and said, "Well, I can see why you like this movie so much. It has lots of...artifacts."
She didn't get it but the boyfriend did.
I remember a while back there was a debate as to whether sex was better when there was a deep emotional connection involved, to which one anon responded, "Sex is about the f**king, not 'making a deep connection,' unless you're talking about connecting your c**k with their cervix."
Well I thought that was witty.
I have my moments, perhaps a little more often than most.
My sister and her boyfriend were watching a sh*tty DVD rip of the Mothman prophecies with loads of compression.
(She's an archaeologist, by the way. Yes, this is important.)
So I went up to her and said, "Well, I can see why you like this movie so much. It has lots of...artifacts."
She didn't get it but the boyfriend did.
wouldn't someone who does computer...stuff gotten it easier?
My sister and her boyfriend were watching a sh*tty DVD rip of the Mothman prophecies with loads of compression.
(She's an archaeologist, by the way. Yes, this is important.)
So I went up to her and said, "Well, I can see why you like this movie so much. It has lots of...artifacts."
She didn't get it but the boyfriend did.
haha you sound like the biggest a**hole ever, interrupting your sister and her boyfriend watching a movie to spit out a pun
good work man.
My father raised us on banter and sh*t talking, it was his most prized skill. Now it is my greatest curse. Last night I had dinner with an ex and she was telling a story about someone and said, "and it hurt my feel-goods." I told her I didn't understand her story, she asked why, and I said, "I don't see how any of that related to your tits." tits=feel good in this case.
the fact you had to explain it makes it really sh*t, I bet nobody laughed.
wouldn't someone who does computer...stuff gotten it easier?
But the joke only works if someone's an archaeologist.
the fact you had to explain it makes it really sh*t, I bet nobody laughed.
I didn't explain it to her, just here for the purpose of illustrating. I wasn't saying it to be funny to her either, it's just a habit now, she got a little pissy, which is why I consider it my curse.
I interject "that's what she said" at every possible opportunity.
For some reason, everyone I know thinks I'm f**king hilarious. I hate myself so much.
I work at a video store. One of the other employees was telling a customer that Avatar comes out on Earth Day, to which I interjected "Which is pretty stupid considering it doesn't even take place on Earth." It was kind of a stupid joke but the customer burst out laughing.
I was at work the other day working a saute station with another guy, and there were two guys on our other saute station. Well, they got slammed, so I went to help, and my manager was like, "Oh so you 3 are just gonna f**k Pat like that?" so I said, "That's how Pat likes it, 3 on 1."
I'm also friends with one of our gay servers named Greg, and a few months back my car was broke down and I was about to walk home, but another guy asked if I wanted a ride. I said I didn't need one, but it would be appreciated, he said he wouldn't want me to get gangbanged or something walking home. Well, Greg interjected with, "Oh, I wouldn't need gang"
I don't know, I suppose I'm kinda witty. I don't have any specific stories like everyone here seems to, but I've been told I'm funny many times and I like making people laugh.
I can probably thank a childhood of being chubby and ever lingering low self esteem for that.
I interject "that's what she said" at every possible opportunity.
For some reason, everyone I know thinks I'm f**king hilarious. I hate myself so much.
At, not with, brother.
...not with. :(
we were learning about pavlov in a class i took once, when my teacher asked if anyone knew who he was.
kid next to me had wit and said, 'the name rings a bell'
Anyone who can remember something witty they said doesn't say enough witty things. I often make people laugh with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
Anyone who can remember something witty they said doesn't say enough witty things. I often make people laugh with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
Actually if every sentence you said made people laugh the most you'd have to remember is the last conversation you had, and not being able to do that seems a tad odd to me.
so how do i become more witty? observational, random?
Anyone who can remember something witty they said doesn't say enough witty things. I often make people laugh with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
well my dick is really huge.
It's mostly in the delivery. If you watch standup, you'd know that a good comidian can make people laugh without saying anything funny. (ex. Dane Cook)
OP is very witty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40f3QMJbVuo#t=05m10s
I was also watching Comedy Central on Tuesday afternoon before I went to work.
Anyone who can remember something witty they said doesn't say enough witty things. I often make people laugh with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
that wasn't very witty.
No op, you're not witty. You just got lucky.
I work at a video store. One of the other employees was telling a customer that Avatar comes out on Earth Day, to which I interjected "Which is pretty stupid considering it doesn't even take place on Earth." It was kind of a stupid joke but the customer burst out laughing.
That's pretty awful. I think that customer wanted your penis (or was just in a really silly mood)
Are you witty, anonymous?
The other day one of my coworkers asked me, "If you could f**k anyone living or dead, who would you choose?"
After a brief pause, I answered "Well obviously living."
Now he thought that was hilarious but the truth was that I wasn't being snide, I just really thought that's what he was asking as a trick question and that he was going to follow it up with something.
That's a horrible example of course but hopefully you guys have better ones.
Dead.I prefer them dead, would have been funnier.
I like to blurt out THATS WAT SHE SED a lot, i guess that makes me pretty witty.
I used to replace words to make whatever statement people made refer to their mothers, for irony.
Then hipsters ruined irony.
I've been told i'm quick-witted, Witty and funny once people get to know me, Shame i'm such a shy f**k most of the time...
I used to replace words to make whatever statement people made refer to their mothers, for irony.
Then hipsters ruined irony.
Yeah man irony just got too mainstream.
Hint: Make web-esque (Not memes, observations etc.) jokes IRL. You'll come off as a witty, self-depriciator who's possibly not joking about his pedophilia.
Once my mom wrote on the family calender - "Resent Taxes" So I grabbed a pen and wrote underneath it - "Who doesn't?". I was pretty proud of that one. But I like to think I'm pretty witty, but my jokes are more often than not met with blank stares.
sometimes I have the same sort of situation as OP.
like, one time in grade school, the teacher was doing math on the bored. she accidentally wrote a 7, and it should have been a 3. after I had already copied everything down, she corrects herself, and apologizes to the class, and I respond "It's ok, my 7s look like 3s anyway." and she couldn't stop laughing for like 5 minutes.
Whenever I'm on WoW trade chat, I'll use /v/ memes and confuse the f**k out of people.
"LFM 25 ToC need 1 tank and 3 dps - DC ON RESERVE"
">implying anyone will join if you put DC on reserve"
">you are a fa**ot"
">implying you aren't doing it wrong"
Is that witty?
Whenever I'm on WoW trade chat, I'll use /v/ memes and confuse the f**k out of people.
"LFM 25 ToC need 1 tank and 3 dps - DC ON RESERVE"
">implying anyone will join if you put DC on reserve"
">you are a fa**ot"
">implying you aren't doing it wrong"
Is that witty?
has potential for wit
I was crossing the road near East Ham in London and someone with some pamphlets asked me where I'd be spending eternity.
"Oh, writhing in torment I should imagine."
I suppose that was a bit witty. Also in Brick Lane someone was standing outside a fancy clothes shop trying to get people in for a sale that day. He said, 'Hey, come in, 50% off!'
"No thanks, I already look like a nob for free"
yeah. i'm the funny guy at work, they all say i should go into stand up comedy.
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