Stupid joke thread

ITT: Jokes you reuse in different social settings with great success:
>*say something* then: say l.o.l.
>why did I say lol instead of just laughing? I have no idea!

That... that's a joke?

OP must be tween girl.

omg that sam from icarly. i <3 her ^_^

This joke... is amazing.

This joke... is amazing.

>amazingly stupid
i know thats what you meant

OP must be tween girl.

> OP must be tween girl.
Tween girls are hot. Op is a tween girl. So, OP=hot?
I desire a picture of OP's naked bosoms.

Every time I go to a restaurant with a different group of people and someone orders something spicy, I always get to bust out my gem:
>Waitress: Do you need a glass of water?
>Me: I think he needs a doctor.
It kills every time, especially when the waitress is hot. Trust me.

A man and a woman were on their 25th wedding anniversary. They went to the same hotel, got the same room, and they were still just as much in love as the very first night.
The wife went into the bathroom and took off all her clothes. when she came out she asked her husband "what did you think when you first saw me naked?"
"well i wanted to suck your titties dry and f**k your brains out"
"and what do you think now?"
"i did a pretty good job"

Every time I go to a restaurant with a different group of people and someone orders something spicy, I always get to bust out my gem:
>Waitress: Do you need a glass of water?
>Me: I think he needs a doctor.
It kills every time, especially when the waitress is hot. Trust me.

i guess would have to be there....(?)

Alright hold onto your scrotum here...
When you're at work and someone says they have to go to the bathroom; lean back in your chair, hook your thumbs in the belt loops of your acid washed jeans and loudly exclaim...
>>TOOO MUCH INFORMAAAATION!!!!

Your MOM is a joke I reuse in different social settings with great success.
No, seriously, it works if you add a pause between your and mom and is as if you're unsure how "your mom" jokes work.

bumped
f**kinrobitzmang

i guess would have to be there....(?)

I forgot to mention that it has to be when they're clearly in agony from the spicyness of the food. It works best at Buffalo Wild Wings when someone gets blazin' sauce.

I forgot to mention that it has to be when they're clearly in agony from the spicyness of the food. It works best at Buffalo Wild Wings when someone gets blazin' sauce.

Makes... more sense?

Step 1) Go to a party, bring a ziploc bag.
Step 2) Figure out which bathroom is getting the most traffic.
Step 3) Go into the bathroom and take a huge sh*t.
Step 4) Wipe, but put the toilet paper into the ziploc bag, and back into your pocket.
Step 5) DON'T FLUSH!!!!
Step 6) Stand by the door and observe the puzzled look on the person's face as it slowly dawns on them that someone not only took a huge sh*t and left it for everyone to see....but they didn't wipe either.

A man and a woman were on their 25th wedding anniversary. They went to the same hotel, got the same room, and they were still just as much in love as the very first night.
The wife went into the bathroom and took off all her clothes. when she came out she asked her husband "what did you think when you first saw me naked?"
"well i wanted to suck your titties dry and f**k your brains out"
"and what do you think now?"
"i did a pretty good job"

dont understand...explain?

dont understand...explain?

You have got to be kidding?

A man and a woman were on their 25th wedding anniversary. They went to the same hotel, got the same room, and they were still just as much in love as the very first night.
The wife went into the bathroom and took off all her clothes. when she came out she asked her husband "what did you think when you first saw me naked?"
"well i wanted to suck your titties dry and f**k your brains out"
"and what do you think now?"
"i did a pretty good job"

So the wife pulls out a strap-on shaped like a gun and facef**ks him until the gun goes off.
"Just returning the favor honey"
Then she posts a thread on web about it.

You have got to be kidding?

like...her titties are now dry and her head is now f**ked?
thats not funny....
whats the gag?

sweet jesus I read that in John Dorian's voice
*shivers*

like...her titties are now dry and her head is now f**ked?
thats not funny....
whats the gag?

Thats just it, you obviously have issues man.

Thats just it, you obviously have issues man.

thats the worst joke ever
the gag line isnt even a proper line
how about a real joke?

how many ears did davy crockett have
three
the left one (point to left ear) the right one (point to right ear)
and the (put back of hand to forehead, wiggle fingers wildly, yell punchline loudly) WILD FRONT EAR

Grab something out of the ether and claim it's how you did things "back in 'Nam."

how many ears did davy crockett have
three
the left one (point to left ear) the right one (point to right ear)
and the (put back of hand to forehead, wiggle fingers wildly, yell punchline loudly) WILD FRONT EAR

I want to punch you and anyone blood-related to you with a sharp pair of sh*t smeared scissors.

Whenever I'm in a setting where there are cups with names on it (parties, sometimes at work) to tell whose is whose, I'll usually write "This One is Mine" or just "Mine"
I don't tell anyone, but people chuckle when they realize it.

thats the worst joke ever
the gag line isnt even a proper line
how about a real joke?

old woman, saggy old woman tits, look like dried up grapes.
she is dumb. f**k her brains out, no brains.
it's not a great joke, but you are f**king retarded.

wow these are all f**king lame

how many ears did davy crockett have
three
the left one (point to left ear) the right one (point to right ear)
and the (put back of hand to forehead, wiggle fingers wildly, yell punchline loudly) WILD FRONT EAR

Thos os holaroous.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

Whenever I'm in a setting where there are cups with names on it (parties, sometimes at work) to tell whose is whose, I'll usually write "This One is Mine" or just "Mine"
I don't tell anyone, but people chuckle when they realize it.

I was at a party once where the hostess wanted everyone to wear name tags. I wore one that said "Classy" and my boyfriend's said "F**king Classy"

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

>What's worse than spilling an ice cream cone with one scoop?
Spilling one with two scoops.
>What's worse than that?
Spilling one with three.
>What's worse than that?
The Holocaust.
>What's worse than that?
Spilling one with four scoops.

Knock, knock.
>Who's there?
Your mum.
>Your mum who?
YOUR MUM IS A DIRTY GINGE C**T AND I RAPED HER EYE SOCKET.

what does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
"damn"

A man and a woman were on their 25th wedding anniversary. They went to the same hotel, got the same room, and they were still just as much in love as the very first night.
The wife went into the bathroom and took off all her clothes. when she came out she asked her husband "what did you think when you first saw me naked?"
"well i wanted to suck your titties dry and f**k your brains out"
"and what do you think now?"
"i did a pretty good job"

Totally caught me off guard. Busted out laughing while I was takin a hit.

I was at a party once where the hostess wanted everyone to wear name tags. I wore one that said "Classy" and my boyfriend's said "F**king Classy"

Nobody cares you wh**re.

Me: "You want to hear a great knock knock joke?"
Them: "Um, okay."
Me: "Okay, you start!" *energetically expectant look*
Them: "uh... knock knock?"
Me: "Who's there??"

I was at a party once where the hostess wanted everyone to wear name tags. I wore one that said "Classy" and my boyfriend's said "F**king Classy"

nice lol
I read this joke in a book:
A man has been out golfing really late and wants to take his wifes mind off of it, so he goes into their bedroom and pleasures her orally.
When he's finished he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth, when he gets there he finds his wife sitting on the toilet.
Man: How did you get in here?
Woman: SHH, be quiet or you'll wake your mother!
Disgusting, right?

> OP must be tween girl.
Tween girls are hot. Op is a tween girl. So, OP=hot?
I desire a picture of OP's naked bosoms.

> I desire a picture of OP's naked bosoms.
> OP's naked bosoms
You do realise tweens don't have boobs... just mosquito bites...

Just post more Jenette McCurdy this obviously isn't working.

"You've got to see what your baby is doing!" shouted the doctor as he burst out of the delivery room and into the waiting room. "What?!" yelled the child's father as he leapt to his feet. "He's literally FLYING around the delivery room! Here, I'll show you!" replied the doctor as he shot back into the delivery room. A few seconds later, he emerged with the baby in his arms. "Watch!" he shouted and tossed the baby into the air. The baby landed on the tile with a thud. "What the Hell?!" the guy started to shout, but the doctor interrupted with, "No, wait, watch this!" and he scooped the baby up and threw him harder. WHAM! The baby bounced off the wall and plopped to the floor, again. "Oh, my God!" shouted the man, and started to grab at the doctor. "No! He was doing it earlier," protested the doctor, "Watch this!" He again scooped the baby up, flung open the waiting room window and hurled the baby four stories down where it splattered onto the sidewalk. Enraged, the man clutched at the doctor's throat and pinned him against the wall. "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY BABY!?" He screamed. "Relax," laughed the doctor, "It was a stillborn."

ITT: People don't realize I meant jokes that can be used in everyday situations, not f**king setups with a punch line.

"Got the time?" (say it low)
"wut?"
"time the got?"
"wut?"
"moron."
"o_o"
feels good man

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

If I'm ever in the same room as someone who's high on weed (i hate stoners), if they eat some food or something i say
"I guess you've got the munchies!"

Step 1) Go to a party, bring a ziploc bag.
Step 2) Figure out which bathroom is getting the most traffic.
Step 3) Go into the bathroom and take a huge sh*t.
Step 4) Wipe, but put the toilet paper into the ziploc bag, and back into your pocket.
Step 5) DON'T FLUSH!!!!
Step 6) Stand by the door and observe the puzzled look on the person's face as it slowly dawns on them that someone not only took a huge sh*t and left it for everyone to see....but they didn't wipe either.

They would assume that you flushed but the turd was too big to get carried away.

>Barman serves Russian a drinks with a coaster
>turns round to put money in the till
>turns back and sees coaster is gone
>next drink he takes away the old glass and gives the russian a new drink and coaster
>turns round to shelve his cash
>turns back and the coaster is gone again
>he thinks "ok i'll just give him a drink next time he's abusing the sacred rite of a barman to keep his own coasters"
>the next drink he drops in front of the russian
>he looks up "Hey, where's cookie?"

A: Knock knock.
B: Who's there?
A: I eat mop.
Read aloud to understand.

Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

If I'm ever in the same room as someone who's high on weed (i hate stoners), if they eat some food or something i say
"I guess you've got the munchies!"

That's pretty... lame, man

A: Knock knock.
B: Who's there?
A: I eat mop.
Read aloud to understand.

... uh, i don't get it
blawskxxx

Someone asks
"Hey, bro do you have the time?"
>Look at your watch then exclaim "Time to get a watch!"

ITT: Jokes you reuse in different social settings with great success:
>*say something* then: say l.o.l.
>why did I say lol instead of just laughing? I have no idea!

ITT: failure

Alright hold onto your scrotum here...
When you're at work and someone says they have to go to the bathroom; lean back in your chair, hook your thumbs in the belt loops of your acid washed jeans and loudly exclaim...
>>TOOO MUCH INFORMAAAATION!!!!

how many ears did davy crockett have
three
the left one (point to left ear) the right one (point to right ear)
and the (put back of hand to forehead, wiggle fingers wildly, yell punchline loudly) WILD FRONT EAR

Someone asks
"Hey, bro do you have the time?"
>Look at your watch then exclaim "Time to get a watch!"

Only 3 people in this thead aside from OP actually understand the f**king point of the thead
god damn you f**kheads at anonymous are stupid c**ts

... uh, i don't get it
blawskxxx

"I eat mop who" sounds like "I eat mah poo"

>What's worse than spilling an ice cream cone with one scoop?
Spilling one with two scoops.
>What's worse than that?
Spilling one with three.
>What's worse than that?
The Holocaust.
>What's worse than that?
Spilling one with four scoops.

Best joke ITT.

nice lol
I read this joke in a book:
A man has been out golfing really late and wants to take his wifes mind off of it, so he goes into their bedroom and pleasures her orally.
When he's finished he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth, when he gets there he finds his wife sitting on the toilet.
Man: How did you get in here?
Woman: SHH, be quiet or you'll wake your mother!
Disgusting, right?

I don't get it.
someonepleaseexplain?

what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
you can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

>How heavy is a polar bear?
>Heavy enough to break the ice!
>Why did I just use greentext? I have no idea!

>how heavy is a polar bear?
>not heavy enough to break the ice!
>walk away

what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
you can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

oh yes you can
pbnj

>How heavy is a polar bear?
>Heavy enough to break the ice!
>Why did I just use greentext? I have no idea!

loL! I'm gonna use that one with the next girl I approach.

>Someone says something, someone else asks, "What did he just say?"
>I say, "He just called you a motherf**ker."

Only time I made an awful impression was
'How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice...Hi, I'm..."

I don't get it.
someonepleaseexplain?

I hope you're kidding.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that bitch can cook in the dark

what's green and has 5 wheels?
Grass, I was just kidding about the wheels

Only time I made an awful impression was
'How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice...Hi, I'm..."

"how much does a polar bear weight"
"umm... I don't know"
"enough to break the ice!"
*both share the lulz*
"Now that that's out of the way, I'm anon and I think you're cute so I had to come... break the ice! haha!"
works every time.

the polar bear joke is lame

Mispronounce something by putting the emphasis (em-FAA-sis) on the wrong syllable (si-LAA-ble). Continue exclaiming about not understanding what's going on oh god please help me I can't stop and ect ect.

Why dont women wear watches?
Theres a clock on the oven

Wanna hear a joke?
Mormons.

when someone asks you a question (preferably a personal one say.
"To be honest, I'm not going to lie."
it's best if you say To be honest like you're just saying it to buy time to think more about your answer.

Wanna hear a joke?
Mormons.

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's rights.

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's rights.

Wanna hear a joke?

this is a hard one to pull off.
"In south Ethiopia, there is a village boy missing one leg...

every day, in the hot sun he rides his bicycle to school...
and for $20s...
you can order the video...
... it's f**king hilarious..."
Yeaaaaaaah. I've used it once to rofls and waffles

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's rights.

Wanna hear a joke?
The holocaust.

>What do you study?
>Military strategy. SO if you ever want to take over a small country, I'm your man
Always get a laugh

What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY~
Dumb, but gets laughs 90% of the time.

Wanna hear a joke?
Mormons.

Mormons are f**king hilarious.

What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY~
Dumb, but gets laughs 90% of the time.

I tell that one, it always gets laughs
laugh

>What do you study?
>Military strategy. SO if you ever want to take over a small country, I'm your man
Always get a laugh

Small country? More like f**k you we're taking over Russia.

"what if I have a huge attraction towards asians?"
>Then you have yellow fever
"what if I have a huge attraction towards africans?"
>Then you have The Black Plague

What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY~
Dumb, but gets laughs 90% of the time.

Gayf** here. i lold
i doesnt have any jokes

What does a gay horse eat?
HAAAAAAAAY~
Dumb, but gets laughs 90% of the time.

That other 10 percent of the time must be awkward as f**k.

Hot nurse: listen, you're going to have to stop masturbating
guy: what?! why?
nurse: because I'm trying to examine you

Somebody asks for anything outlandish that you don't usually carry around - like a cell phone loader.
Me: Sorry, I left it home today.

>What do you study?
>Military strategy. SO if you ever want to take over a small country, I'm your man
Always get a laugh

they laugh because you study a sh*tty subject

That other 10 percent of the time must be awkward as f**k.

Not really, they've just said "That's dumb". And I say "Yeah, but it usually gets laughs". Not awkward.

durrr, knock knock
who's there
i eat mop

My jokes are 100% original, EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Not really, they've just said "That's dumb". And I say "Yeah, but it usually gets laughs". Not awkward.

if the joke fails just say, JUST KIDDING.
GAY HORSES EAT DICKS.

My jokes are 100% original, EVERY SINGLE TIME!

This is actually the case for me.
All of my humor is observational.

This is the single worst joke thread I've ever seen.

Somebody asks for anything outlandish that you don't usually carry around - like a cell phone loader.
Me: Sorry, I left it home today.

I usually just say Yeah!!! really enthusiastically, if a girl asks me if I have a nail clipper or something equally ridiculous.

bumpin for more awesome f**king jokes plox :-)

"how much does a polar bear weight"
"umm... I don't know"
"enough to break the ice!"
*both share the lulz*
"Now that that's out of the way, I'm anon and I think you're cute so I had to come... break the ice! haha!"
works every time.

and then you are a bear
you maul and eat her.